Apologies

Dearest,

There are days when I truly question your existence. You must be out there somewhere, but I see people my age and younger finding their someone's with such ease that it makes me wonder if I'm one of those people that's not meant to end up with someone. I can't decide how I feel on the matter. I can rarely decide on anything, because I somehow have the ability to see all sides, pros and cons, of any situation. So I never am able to take a hard line stance on something. But you know that when I do take one, there is little that can be done to change my mind because it means that I have weighed out everything and mulled it over incessantly and have truly considered every side to the argument. My mind is set, and it would take nothing short of an act of God to change it.

However, where you are concerned I have absolutely no idea how to feel. When I was younger, even up until a couple of years ago, I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be a wife with several children. Now, I can't really say the same.

I have seen so much of the nature of people that it's discouraging. I've seen spoiled little girls who treat the men in their life with utter disdain and simply use them for everything that the guys are willing to give them. And those girls are now the ones who are married. Those spoiled girls who think of no one but themselves. How is it that they find someone to share their life with? How is it that someone is willing to give into them time and time and time again? And how is it that though every guy friend of mine claims that guys hate that, yet here I am, demanding nothing, simply looking for someone to share love with, and most guys won't even attempt to start something with me.

Love, I don't want to bore you with my little rants. Not in the least. But perhaps, if you really do exist out there, at some point or another I'll bare my soul to you anyway and you'll listen patiently through it all.

Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to find you. It's even possible that you are a figure of my imagination, that the reason I get bored easily with guys that I may go on dates with, or even simply like is just because you really aren't out there. Or perhaps it's because you are really out there, and me becoming bored with someone is God's way of keeping me from ending up witht the wrong guy instead of you... I OBVIOUSLY have no clue...I know that I can be content on my own and that typically keeps me from being one of those girls that has to be in a relationship at all times.

Is it wrong that in my experience I have only found relationships to be exhausting? Sometimes they are pleasant and comforting, but it's just easier not to be in one. Maybe I've only had bad relationships and that whenever I find you it will blow all of the old ones out of the water, and my perceptions of relationships will be forever changed.

I'm sorry for doubting that you are out there somewhere (hence why I titled this entry as apologies) I just don't really see how it is that you are out there, and that there maybe a way for you to change the way I view relationships. But.... right now that's a big maybe. Just like everything else seems to be these days. Nothing is certain other than the fact that I am where I am in life. I'm okay with that... for now.

Discerningly,
Yours