I've been thinking that maybe I need to have an attitude change at work. Well and really life in general as well. Everyone usually sees me as happy go lucky (no, I am not kidding, I've really been told that), but I sometimes let other people's attitudes change mine instead of the other way around. I let them affect how I view my day and change the way that I might interact with others.
I know it's cliche to have New Years resolutions and all, and I really didn't intend to have them this year, but I ended up pledging some to myself anyway.
Like, I'm going to be more disciplined. In every aspect. Physically, with my diet, daily workout, everything that being physically disciplined entails. Spiritually, make a conscious effort to pray everyday, to read a scripture and meditate on it as long as is needed. Emotionally, not let other people affect me, to be continuously happy and make it a point to find the good in everything. Be more discpilined in not biting my nails (yes, my nails have been stubs for the majority of my life, and not long and elegant like a good southern girls should and no, it is not an anxiety thing, I just seem to have some sort of oral fixation that I have always had since I was a toddler), keeping my apartment clean, my laundry caught up, stay on top of my finances and keep paying down my school loans so that I end up graduating (whenever that may be) completely free from debt.
And on that note of debt, I hope that you share my desire to want to start a married life once we were both debt free. It automatically takes care of so many issues that I feel become detrimental to young couples out there... though, who knows if whenever I'll meet you that we'll still be considered young... but that's beside the point. There's so much out there working against people who get married that I want to make sure that we'll have taken care of all that we can to fight the statistics that threaten a 50% rate of failure for marriages.
Coming from a divorced family myself, I hope that you will share my desire to never go through it myself. It's the reason that I am so picky about guys and in trying to find you. When I pledge, til death do us part, that is exactly what I will mean. I'll be in it for the long haul, my love, and I pray that you will be as well.
I often wonder how it would be to have you to come home to. Whether work went by quickly or slowly wouldn't matter, I think that it would be nice to come home to loving arms ready to embrace me. I fully recognize that life isn't perfect and that sometimes you wouldn't think to greet me so warmly, and maybe your day would have been bad, or you'd be tired from a long day at work. And that is completely understandable. I hope though, that even if you were upset, that you'd still hold me close if I sat down next to you on the couch. And I hope that you wouldn't try to push me away or that you would prefer to have your space. In all honesty that would truly be incredibly upsetting. But no matter what, I'd still know that you'd love me, just as I'd love you. Because I know that I will be so careful in choosing the man that I end up with (so careful in choosing you) that I could be so confident in knowing this.
In saying that, I pray that if your mood was sour, that I would have the strength not to let it affect mine, just like I am trying not to at work. And of course vice versa. I hope that by being strong and keeping a cheerful spirit would also lift your spirits... I know it would tear me apart inside just to see you upset with something.
Yours
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Apologies
Dearest,
There are days when I truly question your existence. You must be out there somewhere, but I see people my age and younger finding their someone's with such ease that it makes me wonder if I'm one of those people that's not meant to end up with someone. I can't decide how I feel on the matter. I can rarely decide on anything, because I somehow have the ability to see all sides, pros and cons, of any situation. So I never am able to take a hard line stance on something. But you know that when I do take one, there is little that can be done to change my mind because it means that I have weighed out everything and mulled it over incessantly and have truly considered every side to the argument. My mind is set, and it would take nothing short of an act of God to change it.
However, where you are concerned I have absolutely no idea how to feel. When I was younger, even up until a couple of years ago, I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be a wife with several children. Now, I can't really say the same.
I have seen so much of the nature of people that it's discouraging. I've seen spoiled little girls who treat the men in their life with utter disdain and simply use them for everything that the guys are willing to give them. And those girls are now the ones who are married. Those spoiled girls who think of no one but themselves. How is it that they find someone to share their life with? How is it that someone is willing to give into them time and time and time again? And how is it that though every guy friend of mine claims that guys hate that, yet here I am, demanding nothing, simply looking for someone to share love with, and most guys won't even attempt to start something with me.
Love, I don't want to bore you with my little rants. Not in the least. But perhaps, if you really do exist out there, at some point or another I'll bare my soul to you anyway and you'll listen patiently through it all.
Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to find you. It's even possible that you are a figure of my imagination, that the reason I get bored easily with guys that I may go on dates with, or even simply like is just because you really aren't out there. Or perhaps it's because you are really out there, and me becoming bored with someone is God's way of keeping me from ending up witht the wrong guy instead of you... I OBVIOUSLY have no clue...I know that I can be content on my own and that typically keeps me from being one of those girls that has to be in a relationship at all times.
Is it wrong that in my experience I have only found relationships to be exhausting? Sometimes they are pleasant and comforting, but it's just easier not to be in one. Maybe I've only had bad relationships and that whenever I find you it will blow all of the old ones out of the water, and my perceptions of relationships will be forever changed.
I'm sorry for doubting that you are out there somewhere (hence why I titled this entry as apologies) I just don't really see how it is that you are out there, and that there maybe a way for you to change the way I view relationships. But.... right now that's a big maybe. Just like everything else seems to be these days. Nothing is certain other than the fact that I am where I am in life. I'm okay with that... for now.
Discerningly,
Yours
There are days when I truly question your existence. You must be out there somewhere, but I see people my age and younger finding their someone's with such ease that it makes me wonder if I'm one of those people that's not meant to end up with someone. I can't decide how I feel on the matter. I can rarely decide on anything, because I somehow have the ability to see all sides, pros and cons, of any situation. So I never am able to take a hard line stance on something. But you know that when I do take one, there is little that can be done to change my mind because it means that I have weighed out everything and mulled it over incessantly and have truly considered every side to the argument. My mind is set, and it would take nothing short of an act of God to change it.
However, where you are concerned I have absolutely no idea how to feel. When I was younger, even up until a couple of years ago, I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be a wife with several children. Now, I can't really say the same.
I have seen so much of the nature of people that it's discouraging. I've seen spoiled little girls who treat the men in their life with utter disdain and simply use them for everything that the guys are willing to give them. And those girls are now the ones who are married. Those spoiled girls who think of no one but themselves. How is it that they find someone to share their life with? How is it that someone is willing to give into them time and time and time again? And how is it that though every guy friend of mine claims that guys hate that, yet here I am, demanding nothing, simply looking for someone to share love with, and most guys won't even attempt to start something with me.
Love, I don't want to bore you with my little rants. Not in the least. But perhaps, if you really do exist out there, at some point or another I'll bare my soul to you anyway and you'll listen patiently through it all.
Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to find you. It's even possible that you are a figure of my imagination, that the reason I get bored easily with guys that I may go on dates with, or even simply like is just because you really aren't out there. Or perhaps it's because you are really out there, and me becoming bored with someone is God's way of keeping me from ending up witht the wrong guy instead of you... I OBVIOUSLY have no clue...I know that I can be content on my own and that typically keeps me from being one of those girls that has to be in a relationship at all times.
Is it wrong that in my experience I have only found relationships to be exhausting? Sometimes they are pleasant and comforting, but it's just easier not to be in one. Maybe I've only had bad relationships and that whenever I find you it will blow all of the old ones out of the water, and my perceptions of relationships will be forever changed.
I'm sorry for doubting that you are out there somewhere (hence why I titled this entry as apologies) I just don't really see how it is that you are out there, and that there maybe a way for you to change the way I view relationships. But.... right now that's a big maybe. Just like everything else seems to be these days. Nothing is certain other than the fact that I am where I am in life. I'm okay with that... for now.
Discerningly,
Yours
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