Attitude

I've been thinking that maybe I need to have an attitude change at work. Well and really life in general as well. Everyone usually sees me as happy go lucky (no, I am not kidding, I've really been told that), but I sometimes let other people's attitudes change mine instead of the other way around. I let them affect how I view my day and change the way that I might interact with others.

I know it's cliche to have New Years resolutions and all, and I really didn't intend to have them this year, but I ended up pledging some to myself anyway.

Like, I'm going to be more disciplined. In every aspect. Physically, with my diet, daily workout, everything that being physically disciplined entails. Spiritually, make a conscious effort to pray everyday, to read a scripture and meditate on it as long as is needed. Emotionally, not let other people affect me, to be continuously happy and make it a point to find the good in everything. Be more discpilined in not biting my nails (yes, my nails have been stubs for the majority of my life, and not long and elegant like a good southern girls should and no, it is not an anxiety thing, I just seem to have some sort of oral fixation that I have always had since I was a toddler), keeping my apartment clean, my laundry caught up, stay on top of my finances and keep paying down my school loans so that I end up graduating (whenever that may be) completely free from debt.

And on that note of debt, I hope that you share my desire to want to start a married life once we were both debt free. It automatically takes care of so many issues that I feel become detrimental to young couples out there... though, who knows if whenever I'll meet you that we'll still be considered young... but that's beside the point. There's so much out there working against people who get married that I want to make sure that we'll have taken care of all that we can to fight the statistics that threaten a 50% rate of failure for marriages.

Coming from a divorced family myself, I hope that you will share my desire to never go through it myself. It's the reason that I am so picky about guys and in trying to find you. When I pledge, til death do us part, that is exactly what I will mean. I'll be in it for the long haul, my love, and I pray that you will be as well.

I often wonder how it would be to have you to come home to. Whether work went by quickly or slowly wouldn't matter, I think that it would be nice to come home to loving arms ready to embrace me. I fully recognize that life isn't perfect and that sometimes you wouldn't think to greet me so warmly, and maybe your day would have been bad, or you'd be tired from a long day at work. And that is completely understandable. I hope though, that even if you were upset, that you'd still hold me close if I sat down next to you on the couch. And I hope that you wouldn't try to push me away or that you would prefer to have your space. In all honesty that would truly be incredibly upsetting. But no matter what, I'd still know that you'd love me, just as I'd love you. Because I know that I will be so careful in choosing the man that I end up with (so careful in choosing you) that I could be so confident in knowing this.

In saying that, I pray that if your mood was sour, that I would have the strength not to let it affect mine, just like I am trying not to at work. And of course vice versa. I hope that by being strong and keeping a cheerful spirit would also lift your spirits... I know it would tear me apart inside just to see you upset with something.

Yours

Apologies

Dearest,

There are days when I truly question your existence. You must be out there somewhere, but I see people my age and younger finding their someone's with such ease that it makes me wonder if I'm one of those people that's not meant to end up with someone. I can't decide how I feel on the matter. I can rarely decide on anything, because I somehow have the ability to see all sides, pros and cons, of any situation. So I never am able to take a hard line stance on something. But you know that when I do take one, there is little that can be done to change my mind because it means that I have weighed out everything and mulled it over incessantly and have truly considered every side to the argument. My mind is set, and it would take nothing short of an act of God to change it.

However, where you are concerned I have absolutely no idea how to feel. When I was younger, even up until a couple of years ago, I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be a wife with several children. Now, I can't really say the same.

I have seen so much of the nature of people that it's discouraging. I've seen spoiled little girls who treat the men in their life with utter disdain and simply use them for everything that the guys are willing to give them. And those girls are now the ones who are married. Those spoiled girls who think of no one but themselves. How is it that they find someone to share their life with? How is it that someone is willing to give into them time and time and time again? And how is it that though every guy friend of mine claims that guys hate that, yet here I am, demanding nothing, simply looking for someone to share love with, and most guys won't even attempt to start something with me.

Love, I don't want to bore you with my little rants. Not in the least. But perhaps, if you really do exist out there, at some point or another I'll bare my soul to you anyway and you'll listen patiently through it all.

Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to find you. It's even possible that you are a figure of my imagination, that the reason I get bored easily with guys that I may go on dates with, or even simply like is just because you really aren't out there. Or perhaps it's because you are really out there, and me becoming bored with someone is God's way of keeping me from ending up witht the wrong guy instead of you... I OBVIOUSLY have no clue...I know that I can be content on my own and that typically keeps me from being one of those girls that has to be in a relationship at all times.

Is it wrong that in my experience I have only found relationships to be exhausting? Sometimes they are pleasant and comforting, but it's just easier not to be in one. Maybe I've only had bad relationships and that whenever I find you it will blow all of the old ones out of the water, and my perceptions of relationships will be forever changed.

I'm sorry for doubting that you are out there somewhere (hence why I titled this entry as apologies) I just don't really see how it is that you are out there, and that there maybe a way for you to change the way I view relationships. But.... right now that's a big maybe. Just like everything else seems to be these days. Nothing is certain other than the fact that I am where I am in life. I'm okay with that... for now.

Discerningly,
Yours

Busy busy

It's funny how quickly life becomes so busy. How often things change and sometimes mutate...whether for the good or bad. It just happens. The days at work go by so slowly, but then the evenings fly by and before I know it I'm up, getting ready for work in the morning all over again.
I suppose then that it's a good thing I haven't found you yet; I wouldn't want you to feel neglected. This way I have a chance to live out my life before I find you and begin a completely new one. I never want to feel like I got into something with you too early, and I certainly don't want to resent you for it ever... like I have seen so many women before me do.
All I really know right now is that God's timing is key. I'll be ready when he deems me ready for you and only he truly knows when that is. For now, I'll trust in His knowledge and I pray that you will do the same love.

Yours

There are some days that just drag on and on. Today is a perfect example. My mind wanders more than it is usually prone to. I start daydreaming about driving up and down winding roads in the mountains in New Mexico and Arizona in my little car... Just a dream though.

Yours

Out there somewhere

I always start out with the best intentions. I begin writing everyday, and I always start out so strong. Then little things start to come up and I forget to write one day and one day turns into two... three... four.... And then I lose confidence in what I am writing about. I am desperately trying to fight this tendency and keep writing to you on a regular basis.


This has become something important to me because me writing you letters and hoping beyond hope that you exist somewhere out there keeps my heart somewhat satisfied and keeps me from settling with the guys that reside here with me in Lubbock, TX. Not to say that there aren't nice guys out here... I just know in my heart of hearts that you aren't here. I know that God can use me anywhere, and that if I do things that He tells me to do, I'll end up having a better life than I can even begin to anticipate. That's why I firmly believe that you are out there and that I'll find you when I finally leave Lubbock.


My friends and coworkers tell me constantly that I am too picky and that it'll take me forever to find you if I keep this bullheaded approach. I don't really care though. I'm stubborn by nature in everything and this - finding the person I am meant to be with - should be no exception. I want to be as sure as I can that my someone (you, whoever you might be) is as good a match as I can find and is in the relationship for the long haul, that I won't be just a game to him, or some conquest.


For all I know, you could be right around the corner or maybe (though I highly doubt this) I've met you and have known you for x amount of time or possibly I won't meet you for years to come. Until then, I'll wait and watch for you. Maybe you'll surprise me and catch me off guard.

Patiently,
Yours

Strength

My Someone,

This is my favorite weather. Bar none. All it does is fill me with peace... no urgency, no compelling feeling to want to do anything in particular. I end up, more often than not, sitting in my favorite chair with a glass of riesling, or if there is a sufficient chill in the air, a cup of hot cider. Though my apartment is beyond small and there is barely enough room for me in the 297 square feet, it feels emptier and emptier as the days become shorter. Though my futon is small, there is enough room on it for two bodies to share their warmth with one another and as the days drag on, I find myself longing to relinquish my perch in my favorite chair, just to be one of those bodies.

The leaves are beginning to turn and the pond near my apartment is attaining a glassy, mirror-like quality that it simply cannot acquire in the hot summer months. Each leaf that falls reminds me of a piece of clutter inside my apartment (when I am on my own, I am not the best of housekeepers - I clean much better when there is another body in the room to keep me company). I prefer during this time of the year to try to occupy myself outside of my apartment and I am rarely home to even begin to consider tidying up. When I am home, I am only reminded of what is missing from it and that becomes difficult to deal with at times.

I am facing a conundrum at this juncture of my life. My church, is stagnating. I am the only one my age and the rest are young families... I need to step up and take a role of leadership and form some sort of college group if I am to have any hope of having a connection with someone close to my age. I don't know if I have what it takes to start one up though... I don't think I am enough of a leader. But I know that it has to be done, otherwise, my church is going to continue to lack in growth and I am going to continue to disconnect from the best environment that I have been exposed to in my entire life.

I wish that you could be by my side to help me lead this new endeavor. It would be so much nicer to have someone there when things get tough... which they inevitably will. However, I do recognize that I will be stronger and better equipped if I face this seemingly insurmountable obstacle all on my own. One day, you can help me lead something or start something like this up. God has great plans for the two of us. I just know you'll be an amazing man of God, after God's own heart, like David. You can lead me with strong hands and I'll be there to back you up no matter what. I'll be there for you in every way that I possibly can as a mate, wife, partner, whatever you want to refer to me as.

I pray that as a couple we will be one that people in our future church will look up to and look to for an example of a Godly union. I have seen so many and watch in awe as they accomplish things that worldly couples cannot. There is a strength that God provides to couples who truly seek him. I know that we will have the potential to be such a couple. To be an absolute pillar of strength by God's grace and for His glory.

Steadfastly,

Yours

Synonyms

For my Undiscovered Love,

Today, on a whim, I decided to search for synonyms of Unknown. Strange, I know, but I found several that I really enjoy. Case and point, undiscovered. Hidden, little-known, nameless, unexplored, unheard-of, unidentified, unnamed, unperceived, unrecognized, and last but not least, unrevealed. All of these describe exactly what you are to me at this moment. I am aware that somewhere out there, you are living your life, perhaps searching for me, perhaps you are perfectly content with your life the way it is. I certainly don't mind if you are just living your life without a clue that I am out in the world. It means that you are happy and satisfied right now, which I love the thought of. I want nothing more for you than to be simply happy and satisfied and one day I hope to be a part of that happiness. For now, I have to be content with the idea that you are that way at this moment, though I am not there with you.

On a day to day basis, there are so many things that would be made better if they could include you. I'd be more prone to be better about chores if you were there to sit and talk with me while I wash the dishes. Who knows, you might not even have to talk with me, I'd be happy to look over and see you laid out on the sofa, reading a book, watching tv, or possibly napping ever so peacefully. Picturing it puts a smile on my face and gives peace to my heart. Such simple dreams of mine should be easily attained. I don't need a big fancy house and you don't need to be absolutely perfect in the world's eyes. You'll be perfect for me... and... I know that I am imperfect... so, because of that you don't have to fit all of these crazy standards girls seem to have these days. But even though I don't have the absurd standards that run rampant in the female mind, I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve. And dearest, that is why I wait so patiently for you to come into my life. You are what I need, what I want, what I deserve. And you're out there... somewhere...

I don't know... maybe I've found you already. Maybe you're still out there somewhere. All I know is that whenever you make yourself known to me is when the world will make sense and when all will fall into place. Life won't get any easier, but it will certainly be more enjoyable.

Ardently,
Yours